that's the first step towards the real change. - Kurt Johnson
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| Goth Halloween costume for 2018 & 19. I remembered that supervisors ask me to be part of the contest and they'll just do make-up. I prepared, lacked in sleep and bought things and never asked for me. XD |
The Beginning of the Dark Night of the Soul
A
thought that came into to me that I wasn’t sure of doing, but, I just did.
Writing events that I want to forget but, treating my past as a traumatic
nightmare instead of seeing it as a dark night of the soul (or should I say
just an embarrassment and I learned hard) is another way of repeating the unpleasant
cycle. The universe will always make it hard for you till you finally got the
message that needed for your growth. And the Universe slaps me real tough just
to wake my soul. It was draining. It was agonizing. It was mortifying. It is my
story. How did I even see it? I have felt every single bit of their venoms.
Hear my story.
On January 15, 2018, a resignation letter written on 3
different papers which I have a spare for no reason, because, that might be
needed for something else. I kept it in my personal documents. A job I never
like despite the fact that I am a degree holder Major in Tourism Management. I
came from a year and half of intense Zombie Escape CS:GO daily lifestyle that
made me plan finally on making my next itinerary. I said to myself “Since the only
treasure that I currently have is my diploma. Why not go back to school, take a
Masters while working to save for tuition and even VLOG my experience as a HARD
WORKING Grad student-slash-BPO employee.” Woah, which came totally inspiring
indeed. But it went all shattered. Came back from 4 months intense Zombie
Escape CS:GO lifestyle. How did it get all ruin? Another cycle has been
ignored. I knew for myself that I don’t like this job, it’s because it is a BPO
lifestyle setting where you every damn second of your working life must be
running by the timestamp. Meaning, I am not allowed to take breaks when it’s not
time. I am not allowed to say NO with mandatory overtime even your health
asking to take a damn rest. There’s no TOURISM here, even though, I am working
for an American-International Travel agency. It was purely BPO setting and it
is exhausting. To cut the story short, I came from another plan of pursuing any
type of business. I was thinking of opening our closed Sari-Sari Store
(convenience store). I had enough of employment life. So, in a week of asking
and looking for the right business. I was singing, but praying deep inside my
heart, Million Reason by Lady Gaga and somebody showed up. He added me on
Facebook due to the fact that he was recruiting. This is the story started
on how I was so blind to see, so naïve to recognize and so numb to feel.
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| I'll admire Bob Viddick even more for he is being cruelly true. |
The Invitation
An Invitation for success? A promise of a good life? A new beginning of
desired hope? Or it is the right time to start waking you up? It was unexpected.
It was inevitable. It was horrifying. It is the time of my life.
I’ve been ups and
down and I can’t find the right path for me. No matter how many times does the
Universe hear me, my plans, and my prayers but, why now? Do I have to wait for
these exact dates and wasted my time on being a hard headed-ZOMBIE SLAYER? Oh, I
need answers for that. Well, here he goes. Requested. Accepted. Liked. Chatted.
Gave my number. Called. Promised. … A promise that has already broken. A disgraceful act of so called leadership. He
is so unprofessional (inside the voice of my egoistic self). He is. I waited
for 3 days he is not updating me for the franchise meeting or presentation he
said. Until on Sunday, “Why would he even call during Sundays? That is so
unethical?” (The egoistic self is hysterical at the moment.) I was so trembling
from my anxiety that I even ask for help from my friends about talking to a
Psychiatrist. But, I realized that it’s just a week of research for startup
business. A week of praying. He came. The Universe was there, listening. After
numerous cancellations and delays because, he was busy and kept on cancelling
even though I am fully prepared to go… (SWEAR!) We finally agreed to meet on
Friday, a BIG EVENT talk with the top mentors and the President. Take note that
I am not conscious around these days that delays could be a sign of protection.
I came early and lots of people happily befriending me. (I didn’t know that
there were hoping that my franchisor wouldn’t showed up and they will have me.
XD) Yes, because he wasn’t there. He was hours late and apologizing that he is
doing something. My tummy was so badly hurt from starvation and having acidity
at those times. Glad, an angel came to me. Assisted me. Professional. Educated.
Ethical. Elegant. Beautiful. Genuine. I found a lifetime friend who I can trust
with. While waiting for the so-called BIG EVENT of theirs, probably, 4 hours he
just came. A short realization. I wasn’t feeling fine with this. At first, I
knew that he is married and I’ve noticed that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring
like we all knew who and what he is. Intuition is ringing. After a bloody hours
of business presentation is all about mind setting and mind conditioning. (The
hell I care about this. I need technical presentation.) But, something is up.
Someone is keeps on calling on the phone. Someone is not receiving or
suspecting of rejecting her call. The seminar room is hardly reachable. My
friend’s second phone is monophony, the old not smart phone type, is receiving
her call. I am the subject of crime here. Why was I? It was 12am, hooray the
seminar is done. What kind of business I am entering into? He did treat me late
dinner, so to end the meeting in formality. (Like hell yeah! You knew I was
there around 2pm and I haven’t eaten my lunch.)
He was driving this Blue Mini car and safely brought me home. But, he
was asking for something. He lied and grabbed me. Shockingly and felt
disgraced. I knew he was married. Til he said he wasn’t … actually, not even
yet. He is living-in someone new and never said about it. The intuition was
ignored right? It is not a start of good business anymore. Did the Universe give
me what I ask for? The Business? Or it did give me what I needed first.
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| It's not your fault. You were a victim. But, being corrupt has no exceptions. |
The Fornication and the Unconscionable forum
Is it a warm welcome or a bit of a
spice from hell? An act of professionalism or an act of scripted duplication?
Investment or learning? It was unbelievable. It was blissful. It was suspicious.
It is the start of my limelight.
It's so many events had happened way before. Too much to say. Too many to prove. Too many to remember. Too dangerous to expose their wild little secrets.
As I’ve said, is it worth of a paper? Or I just want to write again? Peers to
peers. Team with teams. Conversations lead to happy food trip bonding. Only one
person showed up its true color. I never liked to be the star of the night.
Everyone is looking at me like an apple of the eye. From their uncanny eyes
that wants to eat me up through their venomous tongues that willingly to bite
me off and fall on their parasitic spells. I am somehow survived. That somehow
saved me because, I was slowly waking up. I am so frightened that each on every
day and step I take, I was so sensitive just to protect me from another
deceptions. Why I was to be the blame with all of their dark malicious secrets?
Are they even doing it that they are so afraid to be caught off guards by whom?
By the public? Or by their boyfriends? Their wives? Or their family and
husbands? You heard it. I was being accused of boyfriend by someone.
Apparently, it was well fine and prideful. Who would have said no and he was
fine as hell. BUT, why does it everyone accuse me? WHY…ME? From someone’s wives
and someone’s girlfriends, why would they report something about HIM to me every
freaking time? Oh please Missy. I was not even born yesterday. Don’t worry! Your lawful partner will never
know. For the story you made for me, I don’t even mind. My conscience is very
clean not because, it wasn’t me, but I AM SINGLE and FREE TO MINGLE. HAR-HAR.
Better go home. (SIGH) Like you have pledged in front of the altar. I don’t know how you fell so hard for him and made you
hate me so much but girls, what happened when we had dinner so happily before
going to car club-yacht thing? Can’t you even find someone who will tolerate just
to have the idea of having a partner? Or you wanted to join and feel the exclusiveness
of the stars? Don’t worry, few people knew exactly what happened. They will
keep your secrets. These people who relentlessly do their jobs just to earn
money. They study behaviors to catch the big fishes. Some made it into a
lifetime career choice. It’s not me. They knew. We are in the people business,
remember? I was so exhausted how to do
this business right that was so desperately looking for assistance, but a
friend of mine said, “Don’t go with him Min, he did something I’ve never proud
of.” Well of course, I never ask. I wasn’t a full pledge Karen to know how it
went wrong. It was professional enough to trust her and leave the idea for what
it is. Who knows? He kept on asking me for coffee and I had never agreed. I am
so single and we could have but, haven’t you? All secrets, no matter how hard
you hide can’t never kept. She knows what I am, where are both well-mannered.
We don’t trash people’s name. Probably, we are not that super bffs like my high
schools are. Business everywhere should practice extreme ethics. Yup, she never
said a thing. I don’t need to know. I can see people. Don’t go acting desperate, don’t tell me
stories you had, don’t even try to pretend and don’t turn the table against me.
Actions are too loud to be discerned and easily predicted. All of the
allegations threw was clearly had created by their own ghost. Your own dark
shadows will follow you, it’s you, the creator. We are in a business of mind
setting. Be very careful, we know. Try to check my journals, I am a person who
is obsessed reading personality development and spiritual neuroscience and don’t
try to underestimate a person who is a bookworm. We-are-mind-readers.
...
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| Pexel.com Public Domain. My drowning shot was a happy vacation. So, no. Can't even picture it. |
The Darkest Limbo
Keep on fighting because, I was using my logical side of my brain to new
way? Or a wrong turn? Following instinct vs listening to intuition? Is it right
or is it wrong? Where are you universe, when I needed you the most? It was
dark. It was torture. It was excruciating. HELP. I AM DYING. I never planned
this nor wanted this. It was beyond of my control. I put my ultimate faith. I
was trying to survive from it.
I was used. Heavily mistreated. I
got lied. Profoundly abused. I was
manipulated. Roughly dreaded down. I feel an ultimate dismay that every second
of my life is puking in a delusional state of matter. My soul was telling me
something to let go or it will kill me. The universe puts me into a test, but,
I wasn’t so strong to fight against the negative flow of energy. I prayed for
unforeseen circumstances. I prayed badly. I manifested evil things just to end
it. Ego is so strong. HELP! I AM DYING. Yes, the Universe wants me dead. EGO-DEATH.
I had enough. Why it feels like I am being strangled or trying to float while
my nostrils is the only dry poking? Why I can’t help myself? Ego is so loud
that I was using the power from the outside to save me instead looking from
within and find my own will to fight for it. I was praying for them to die so
that, it will be the end of it. I thought I was winning. I made my own way of
doing this, but it was wrong all along. I started it with a wise plan so, it
came from the logical side of the brain, the ego. But, my right side was
showing ultimate signs of control, haunting, nightmares, anxiety, guilt, shame,
pity and a lost soul. Nobody was there. No signs, No warning signals. No GOD.
No Universe. Nothing! Help! I was literally dying. He won’t stop draining a pint
of my blood. He’s disgusting. He is a demon. He is the ego. WHY I CAN’T LET
GO!!! A con artist. A scammer. A user. Do I have to identify it? Then it’s the
ego making this all up for me.
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| Bulusan Natural Park Sorsogon, Albay. Portrait photo that I edited to make it landscape. See similar spots. |
The Awakening
I saw a path. Is
it the way? I saw the light. Why is a bit far? Do I have to reach for it? It’s
starting when you see the light. It’s the journey. It’s a process. It’s a
reaffirmation. Walk and do not look back. In logical reasoning, you need to go
on a several challenges to confirm if you have already learned. Muscle memory
and mastery.
Until one day. Another ego saw something I am surely irritated for. A Filipina cosplaying ancient dress Chinese. Never like anything about it, and it was identified with the ego. Take note, I was not awakened, not yet, but this is the start. I am so irritated that I tried watching her. That’s what EGO like is for. Feeding it for more and hooking with it until you finally surrender hating it. She said that she is a sorcerer. She has magic. She can cure. She is a white witch. To cut the story short, my spirituality began at this point. I was an Atheist, define me as spiritual not religious. Big difference for both. Loved with shells, money rituals, crystals and tarot, but, believing in her did not last for long because, she was a fanatic. I think she lied on her visions and exposed which side she were that lead to doubting her completely. “Dugong Maharlika” WHAT!!! Oh my God, she serviced and sold products so expensively, and this what will I hear. AH- AH Nope! She’s done. But, I think I was just passing through. Having her was only a year. She saved me, somehow that “You will never have a luck and blessing in life if you won’t stop doing the wrong deeds.” Ego was still here. The ego is still controlling me. It never leaves my side. Not done with my Limbo. Until that statement, absorbing down to my subconscious mind and slowly manifesting it into words and into actions. This is the darkest of all. I was fighting for it so hard. That I tried to cut the energy cord between the both of us to finally set me free. He keeps wandering inside my veins. It was nerve shivering on every vibrations he release. It was very demonic. I thought I can end this peacefully but, CAN-YOU-SETTLE-AN-APPEACEMENT-WITH-A-CORRUPT-SOUL? I am a damaged good for letting this to happen for the last time. It was so unfair. Where is the universe? Why there’s nothing to save me from? Guess what, I’ve got the message. And here I finally say, I am in AWAKENING PROCESS.
Let me start with the
word surrender. My ego was so strong it finally shuts down. I never thought of
fighting is far more depressing than letting it go. But, I think I deserve it.
The Universe was there all along. YES! RIGHT BESIDES ME ALL THIS TIME. How? It
made me stronger. There were signs that being neglected. I wasn’t even
listening to my intuition and my feelings, BECAUSE, I am in love, being a QUEEN
BITCH who wants to tear them down apart. I am so hard headed and the universe,
making it so worst to finally open up my eyes. I need enlightenment. That is
what I am lacking in. It’s time for me to grow. Ego is a fake spirit that is
being identified from outside of your soul. Not the true identity coming from
within, coming from the heart, coming from calling and coming from our
subconscious mind. Ego was never an answer. That’s the problem. I did say I
prayed that the environment and situation around me would help to save me,
right? What I need is. ME. I should find the strength WITHIN ME. The Universe
was teaching me to initiate the work. I should learn now and establish the foundation
because, whenever things happen, I know how to do my energy works independently. In terms of
energy, I simply surrender. I let go all the strong triggers that make our
connection bonded so strong. I refuse to take the call. I did not try to fight
any of his controls. I did not allow all his malicious suggestions. I simply
surrender the will. BY IGNORING HIM. Making the powerful coalition incapacitate. And slowly the energy tie is barely holding on. My
surrender felt freedom and peace deep inside my soul. I’ve felt the great
energy that I, myself, is so powerful and strong. The Universe was right all
along and it never left me at all.
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| Ughhh!?You're not Maximus Decimus Meridius. Not even a commander nor a soldier. Not even a legit general. Not a loyal servant to the true emperor, your God. Not a father. Not a husband. You must be Persians. |
The Zealot Catalyst
“Oh come, Oh come Emmanuel and ransom captive Israel.” We both seek the
divine and we are both locked up. The Protagonist vs the antagonist. The
Veracity vs the fancied. What are you doing? Where are you taking me? I have
been deceived. Once more. But, this time, it’s you, not me. I am awake. I know.
I am already free. I will show it. Not to you, but, to the Universe.
Quite a hefty situation back there, huh? Many things had happened, but I did not include it anymore like offering me a coffee date in replacement of your dolls. “Daddy? This is not the result in life I want to achieve.” Ain’t gonna learn anything from it. I can ask another phone from my father like I did and currently in use. Such a waste, you somehow a great investment compared to those low lives. XD …Yup, the Universe had tested me again for higher name but, I showed the new me instead. Even let go and forgive the guy who ask money from me and did not return. It was a refund ticket from airlines due to the pandemic. My father had to withdraw from his account to pay his friend back. I owe almost everything from him. But, thank “my11k” him at some point, he quite give me an idea, or a connect-the-dot idea about them. It started on May 9. The most horrible day of every educated and decent man alive in this country. Most of his people are fanatics. “Your vote defines your value, character and could be the entire you.” How can a financial mentors be legit, if they are illiterate about the basic economics? Choosing a leader with so much expressions of becoming adverse to what our job is the inkling. Is that the leadership skills you all have? How funny! Still grateful to the person who stole something from me. My 11k is already yours now. Whenever you need help, remember that I already helped you. Smh, leaders?! XD I was warned that one of their advocacies is just to get money. No wonder. The people’s mindset and their votes confirmed it. Let me give you a simple idea on how to scam people on my own shallow understanding. Open up a company. Find suppliers. Get wholesaler’s price and then charge customers with a large retailed price. And when the company is gone, clients can never ask their money back because, they have already received the products worth exactly on the membership fee. Easy business. For the last time, why the F*** CAN’T I just be invited nor talked for business alone?! Why does it have to be with other intentions? What do you think of me? Try-outs? Chances that I might? Circumstances always has to be like this. XD I was still trying to fight as long as I want to, but that day, the Universe gave me one last and final answer. The question of, “Is it still for me?” My journey in this part is already done. I have learned already.
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| Now we are free by Hans Zimmer, Gladiator OST. My top 1 Meditative music. Always every morning. |
Getting Consciousness
In the Power of Now, authored by Eckhart Tolle said, “When will you know
if you have fully surrendered? It’s when you stop asking questions.” I had
enough all the basics of spirituality. I deeply fell in love with the new version
of me. Instead of a traumatic past, let me leave it as a fun and exciting
experience. Feels like a game that needs an ultimate strength and strategy to
finally escape in these endless cycles. I have reached it and therefore, nobody
has come next up to now since, the 5 years of egoistic escapade.
I invested. It was my own business. My money was there. And it wasn’t a failure. I’ve gained worth like BILLION DOLLARS because, it was priceless. I was better than any top earners, confident-HYPE-speakers who totally got nothing in their pockets, and the so called results and self-proclaimed leaders who considered themselves financial mentors and company owners. In every step of the process people make to reach its goal, it must be precise on what greater sense of purpose they want to contribute. Business starts on a mission wanting to fulfill, not on the ulterior desires. Basic understanding of law of attraction here. When doing dirty business along the way, the outcome of it is getting the same results and don’t even try to pretend that is not. True leaders know how to see one. It’s same as employment, a never ending job just to get money because, a true leader has followers who will work for you. And that’s a STUPDIEST FORM of working hard for your own company. I am now in a new company where we value genuine relationships. We are not scammers, because, we don’t stave for chicken feed (BARYA) just to get a small damn amount of Million and then fly. That’s not leveraging anymore. Stealing and recruiting people over and over again is tiring and even way better to be stuck on 9-5 job where you can be established and respected wherever you go. Corporate still matters than to a 6-digit earner hyped dogs with less character and a parasite to the economy. Money can run out, but the foundation of the character that can be brought more open opportunities is inevitable. A 50 Million pesos stolen is stagnant than to a 50 Million pesos from clean process, has different value. Can you even feel a leverage on both sides? The positive energy is being attracted here. How could I ever say that the Universal flow is positive here? Simple. Before the Homo sapiens exist, the thinking creature, everything is working on each other's contribution to form an object in this physical world. Our Solar system and the Anatomy of all animal kind is working perfectly for us to live. No wonder the karmic energy can never EVER lie. When something or somebody goes against with it, they always get what they contributed from their environment. Isaac Newton’s said in his 3rd law of motion. "Everything you do to me, already done to you." (I said this.) 3rd law of motion is always at work. "For every reaction, there's an equal force and opposite reaction(direction)." - Newton
Once you do business for money it will be unlikely
successful. Do not blame the money here, it’s the mindset from whom to start
with. Money is nothing. It’s just a tool for trading goods and services. The
doer is the subject of all the mess. I did not say that do not go business with
them. Books and YouTube videos can only give information about the
identification they characterized, but, the experience of reality will give a
true essence of learnings from people’s behavior. Experience is the best
teacher, they say. I always see negative events as a blessing in disguise. The
only fact I knew is I am so grateful that I was not the chosen one for the
“TOOL” to someone’s transformation. To make it clear, that I am not the BAD tool
for someone’s growth, someone’s maturity or even someone’s new healed soul for
its new upgraded chapter in life. I am the chosen one to be something great for
my soul and it’s being prepared for the best thing I could ever be.
The business secret that I learn from all of them is not leveraged
to get rich, not strength to avoid weakness, not confidence to gain more sales,
but, being ETICHAL, MORAL and LEGAL and the value of having a genuine
relationship.
- I am no writer. I did not follow the standard rules of professional or academic writing.
- This is my story. All of the words construction is based on experience and emotions.
- If you find it confusing, it was intentionally made to generalize everyone. So it means, EACH SENTENCE could be identifying for ONE to MULTIPLE situation or even people.
- This whole article has 3 to 6 utmost settings. It did not happen in just one area, one company or even one situation.
- Other story doesn’t have to disclose, because, I just said, this is the story for my growth that I’ve experienced, not to uncover everything that doesn’t have to do with me.
- This is not to identify how disgusting they were. Because, this is my story. This is my life. This is my traumatic past. THE END of my story in 3D Physical World. (Search 3D world in spirituality for you to understand profoundly.)
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